You don’t need a license to have a baby, which is really too bad in many respects. You’ve weighed the pros and cons of which baby necessities to buy and discovered that the one thing you can’t really do without is diapers. Unfortunately for you, you have no idea how to change a diaper. This is how you change a diaper:
- Get a hold of a baby: This could be your baby or a borrowed baby. Avoid borrowing babies from people who don’t know you are borrowing them. You will end up in jail. Please see my How To article on “How to protect yourself when jailed for kidnapping”.
- Determine that the current diaper needs changing: A strong indicator of a diaper in need of changing is a:) When it is hanging down in a soggy fashion between the child’s legs, or b:) a strong, ripe odor is emitting from said child’s current diaper. You may also see a trail of color seeping out of the diaper if you’ve waited too long or the eruption was particularly volcanic.
- Place the child on his or her back: Laying the child down, remove the old diaper and wrap it up with the tabs. You may wish to use a ventilation mask for this step, as the fumes can be strong and overwhelming.
- Wipe away the remaining mess: Don’t be cheap. Huggies and Pampers sell baby wipes for a reason. Toilet paper will only leave you sticky fingered and dry dabbing. Consider that you will spend much more in antibacterial hand wash if you opt out of baby wipes.
- Place the new diaper underneath the child’s bottom: At this point, be sure that the tabs are underneath the child’s backside and that the diaper is placed the right way. Diaper manufacturers have added colorful characters and artful cartoon displays to the front side of the diaper. They say this is to make the diaper more appealing to children, but let’s face it, the kid doesn’t care as long as he or she doesn’t have poop running down their legs. No, this is sort of a feature for parents, a “Put it on the right way for dummies.” Look for the Elmo, he won’t steer you wrong.
- Secure the tabs: Open one tab and place it over Elmo. Open the other tab and do the same. See, this diaper changing thing is easy.
- Sit back and bask in your accomplishment: You will have between 5 minutes to 2 hours before you need to change another diaper. You will begin to feel more confident in your assessment and changing skills as time goes on.
- Resist the urge to place your face near the child’s bottom. You may see others doing this ‘sniff test’ in order to guage whether or not the child has voided, but it can backfire. See my How To article on how to cleanse fecal matter from your glasses.
- Always keep a diaper on a newborn baby boy. Their internal sprinkler system is set to high.
- Be aware of volcanic eruptions that can occur when the child is having their diaper changed. In much the same way that a shift can occur in the earth’s tectonic plates, so can a powerful push occur when changing a diaper.