Saturday, May 25, 2024

Moms, want to lose weight? Check out the feeding tube diet

It’s spring, the weather is getting better (sort of) and on a recent trip to the local mall, one thing became very clear to me.

Tis the season to feel fat.

Why would I notice this? And at at the mall of all places?

Well for one thing, it was packed. Clearly, other people don’t rely on the mail service for their shopping needs the way I do. The second thing I noticed was the droves of women crowding around the shoe wall in the local Sport Chek.

These women were three deep, there were running shoes everywhere, and even with the handy little gadgets in their hands to check inventory, I couldn’t get someone to even look at me to ask them a question. When I finally grabbed my own shoes off the shelf, someone almost took them away because we were the same size. It was surreal.

And the reason they (we) were all there? One lady who had one hand on her stroller and the other on a Starbucks Skinny Mocha, summed it up fairly succinctly:

“I need these shoes to be comfortable. So I don’t quit running after a week. Because I’m fat and I need to lose weight.”


She didn’t look fat to me, but the heads nodding in agreement all along the shoe wall said that there were others who were there for the exact same thing.

And as I wandered around, peeking into stores here and there, I saw a lot of different types of women in the mall. Women walking out of bathing suit stores with a facial expressions you might only expect to see if someone is chasing you with a chain saw, women rushing past the cupcake store as if a big gooey hand is going to reach out and suck them into a vat of icing against their will.

After a winter of rain, cold, and eating cookies, Moms everywhere are realizing (as we do every year) that hiding behind our sweatshirts isn’t going to be an option for much longer. And let’s face it, those hot pink and blue retro Capri pants the stores are coming out with in a homage to the 80’s don’t fit very well after eating 6 months of muffins or while sporting a muffin top.

So that’s why I find this recent story on Good Morning American fairly horrifying. The K-E Diet is being used by new brides to lose 10-20 pounds before their big day, and it works by strapping on a feeding tube and wearing it out and about for 10 days.

For $1500, you too can hook up your feeding bag and lose weight. It’s simple, and with no running required, I’m sure the women are heading toward the Doctor promoting this in droves.

I won’t even go into the complete weirdness of wearing a feeding tube as you go about your daily business. Or,  how odd you look using one when feeding tubes are associated with illness. No, what worries me about this is if brides are doing this, those brides will eventually become mothers.

And once they’re mothers? Baby weight, lack of time to exercise, bad eating habits fueled from long nights of coffee and no sleep – All of these will contribute to weight gain, and once you gain weight, what are you going to do? Head back to the feeding tube.

Not only will this contribute to a viscous cycle of weight loss and weight gain, it sets a really ridiculous example for our daughters. Which makes me angry when I consider how I’ve already heard a few 9 year olds say “No thank you” to a tiny slice of birthday cake in case it goes to their still baby sized hips.

It remains to be seen whether this diet, like so many others, will be a flash in the pan. In the meantime, you’d be best to avoid the shoe wall at your local sports store between 10 and 4 pm on Saturdays. You’re likely to get hit in the head by flying shoes.





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